What to do if Mother’s Day makes you Cringe..
Mother's Day..
Ya..
It can be marvelous or a complete mind-fuck.
What are your feelings in the days leading up to Mother’s Day?
- Do you have high hopes of being royally spoiled - treated like the Queen-You-Are deserves to be treated?
- Or do you secretly (or not-so-secretly) dread its arrival?
- Is it an annual reminder of how much you are loved & appreciated, how incredible your relationship is with your Mom, your family, or whoever “Mother’s Day” brings to mind for you?
- Or does this annual event fill you with disappointment, frustration, and a heavy heart? Does it find you struggling to find the obligatory Mother’s Day card – one that is honest, but still sounds nice? I’ve been stuck there too..
- Has any of this changed for you over the years?
I’ve been on both ends of the Mother’s Day Love/Hate Spectrum. Maybe you can relate..
From as far back as I can remember, creating something special for my Mom and Grandma gave me at least as much joy as I imagined it gave them. Once I started school, my teachers had unique projects to help us make gifts that we proudly presented to our mothers on the momentous occasion. I’ll never forget one gift in particular.. omg, every time I’ve thought of it over the almost 50 years since, I cringe & glow at the same time. Here’s why – the project, I’m sure, when chosen by my teacher, showed great potential for having the right combination of being creative, hands-on, and kid-friendly, resulting in a personal gift for Mamas of any taste, but sometimes it doesn’t turn out that way..
This project started with modeling clay of some sort, shaped by little hands into beads of our own design, decorated, dried and threaded onto string to create jewelry.. all well & good.. except that the beads I came up with were not quite what you’d describe as elegant or even dainty lol, in fact, they were lovely cubes of various pastel colors, each approximately ½” square..
I made a necklace AND a matching bracelet! And I’m trying to remember if it was me with this design, or one of my brothers at some other time, that also created earrings .. hahahaha! The earrings were an ingenious design to accommodate even someone without pierced ears, like our mom.. a single cube of clay threaded on a shorter string that could conveniently loop over the top of one’s ear to dangle gracefully below the ear – mostly even with the ear lobe and almost even with the earring on the other ear to complete this gorgeous set.. lol omg.. The whole collection likely weighed in at around 18lbs.
So, that’s obviously the cringey part.. but you know what the glowy part of this story is?
My. Mom. Wore. That. Whole. Set. To. Church. At least once that I can recall. I was so dang pumped that she liked it that much; that something I’d made for her was something she’d like so much that she’d wear it in public, in her fancy dress clothes, for all the world to see!
I recalled that beautiful example when my kids (& now my grandkids) have presented me with their sweet gifts, knowing that how I received them would in turn show them my love & create a lasting memory just like the one I have with my clay jewels.
Love can come wrapped in a bouquet of crocuses & dandelions, a sticky partially-eaten chocolate candy, rocks warmed from being held in little hands until they could be delivered directly to you, leaves covered in kisses, crayon drawings that resemble private parts but were inspired by garden produce, a warm little hand slipping into yours as you walk side-by-side, tight squishy hugs and wet kisses, video calls, questions & requests for your time & attention… there are so, SO many ways that love comes to us with priceless value, leaves us with the best memories and fills our hearts to overflowing.
So what about those of us who have a complicated relationship with Mother’s Day and Mothering in general?
How you define “Mother” can change how YOU ARE “Mothered”.
Whether you are a Mom to 2-legged babies or 4-legged babies, you are a Mom. Even if you don't have babies in your life right now - maybe they’re grown, or they are stepchildren, nieces, nephews, neighbors – there are opportunities to ‘mother’. Have you considered how much You also Mother the people around you? – you can’t seem to help it! You mother other women, other women’s children, friends, co-workers; anyone that you nurture or care for, is also receiving your ‘mothering’! The lucky women in your life benefit when you have each other’s backs. No judgment. You're all on this road together - holding each other up - celebrating together, crying together, and growing together. That’s mothering at its finest! And who to best appreciate your mothering, than another mother?!
You are also mothered by Mother Earth. She grounds & nurtures you, grows & feeds you. You are held & cradled by your Mother Earth. She misses you and wants to spend more time with you so she can bless you with her love & abundance. Step outside & feel her embrace.
Some of us have our mothers. Some of us do not have our mothers.
Some of us have had great relationships. Some of us have not had great relationships.
Whatever it WAS, or IS, or you WISH IT WAS - please look for what parts of it you can really, truly love.
You may have to dig deep, but you will find something to make your heart glow. Embrace those parts & let them bless you – don’t dwell on the mourning, the sadness, the bitterness or resentment, and all the disappointment – those are heavy and painful & may not be entirely true if you’re completely honest. Let down your shield of anger or frustration & allow yourself to be blessed by the beauty and the love that is within those memories. Know that you are loved, you are appreciated, you are enough, you are worthy. Be open to see that others around you are offering ‘mothering’ love to you. Watch for it. Let it in. You deserve it.
Most importantly - be gentle with yourself. Show some of that generous ‘mothering’ to your own sweet self. Don't beat yourself up for the things that you wish you had done differently when you mothered. Don’t get torn up wishing you were mothered differently.
REDEFINE ‘MOTHER’ to include all kinds of care & nurturing and it will change how you see & receive MOTHER LOVE in return.
The next time Mother’s Day rolls around, you can celebrate that love with a genuine joy.
xo Deena
